I read somewhere that sometimes, when people think they are hungry, they're actually dehydrated. Well, since I know I'm hungry more than I like, I started thinking: Maybe what my body wants is less diet pop, which as we are learning, is really bad for you anyways, and more H2O. So, Be It Resolved that I will drink at least 64 ounces of water a day to take care of my body. After all, I know some of the resolutions coming up, and I'm going to need it to carry me through.
As for yesterday's resolution, we did pretty well. I have to admit, I lost my cool at bed time, but I got it back under control and have been doing pretty good so far today. Honestly, it's been nice not to yell... I realized that one of the "reasons" for the hollering is that I am busy doing something else so instead of going to see what the problem is, I think my loud voice will solve the problem... yeah, it doesn't. Until tomorrow...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Trial and Error
It's become very clear to me that I am not the best at following through with my plans. This blog was supposed to be about my journey to become the person I know is lurking below the surface... the only problem is, there are little things I do to sabatoge myself. So, I'm creating the Sarah Dare, or as I call it, the "Be It Resolved Dare"... not to be confused with the Love Dare. Each day, I'm going to reflect on one smallish thing I do that cripples my attempt to grow into myself. Then, for the next 24 hours, I will be conscious of when and why I do the act I want to change. Each day, I'll add something new, continuing with the change from the days before, but making a more concerted effort to change the way I respond to life. I suppose some days will be more environmental, like don't go to bed with a dirty kitchen sink, and others, like today's are things that make each day more stressful than they need to be and eat away at the relationship.
So today, Be It Resolved that I will find other ways to communicate with my family other than yelling. First, it doesn't really get them to do what I need them to do and it creates a home that is not in harmony with the way I want to raise my children. There is a calm me waiting to be unleashed... just wait and see!
So today, Be It Resolved that I will find other ways to communicate with my family other than yelling. First, it doesn't really get them to do what I need them to do and it creates a home that is not in harmony with the way I want to raise my children. There is a calm me waiting to be unleashed... just wait and see!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Getting overwhelmed
I'm having a very confusing day! This morning, I woke up full of confidence. I was ready to take on the end of the book and sail through the morning with no distractions. Because, having two kids, that seemed reasonable. But as the morning wore on and the impending dentist appointment grew closer, doubt has poisoned my day.
I thought it might be good to start building my database of agents I want to submit to. Turns out, that's something better done with the aid of a glass (bottle) of wine or some other alcoholic substance. There are so many agents out there. Do I stick with the NYC ones or do I branch out to agencies in other parts of the country. I can see going to SF, CA route, but Orlando? North Carolina? Is it worth my time? How do I know if an agent is reputible? How do I know I can trust them? How long do I give them before I realize that they aren't going to call? Am I really good enough to get published? Sure, I've posted on my other blog about writers who's work, at least to me, seems sub-par to my own, and yet they staill manage to obtain a contract, but maybe they knew someone. Maybe they had a foot in the door. Maybe they self-published.
Perhaps I'm a purist, but I don't want to self-publish. I don't a hidden gem in my back pocket that I can whip out and say, "Here, don't you know so-and-so?" I have these "dreams" that I make it "big"... by big, I mean sell enough to cover the cost of writing another...and some new shoes... maybe some pens... but the world of publishing is large. It's competitive. It's foreign. So many questions and even when I figure out the answers, they only uncover more questions.
I know I'll figure this out. I always do, but just once, today, I would love for someone to call me and say, "Hey, a little bird told me you were writing a book. You know, I know someone who knows someone.... let's see what we can do."
Yeah... talk about a dream!
I thought it might be good to start building my database of agents I want to submit to. Turns out, that's something better done with the aid of a glass (bottle) of wine or some other alcoholic substance. There are so many agents out there. Do I stick with the NYC ones or do I branch out to agencies in other parts of the country. I can see going to SF, CA route, but Orlando? North Carolina? Is it worth my time? How do I know if an agent is reputible? How do I know I can trust them? How long do I give them before I realize that they aren't going to call? Am I really good enough to get published? Sure, I've posted on my other blog about writers who's work, at least to me, seems sub-par to my own, and yet they staill manage to obtain a contract, but maybe they knew someone. Maybe they had a foot in the door. Maybe they self-published.
Perhaps I'm a purist, but I don't want to self-publish. I don't a hidden gem in my back pocket that I can whip out and say, "Here, don't you know so-and-so?" I have these "dreams" that I make it "big"... by big, I mean sell enough to cover the cost of writing another...and some new shoes... maybe some pens... but the world of publishing is large. It's competitive. It's foreign. So many questions and even when I figure out the answers, they only uncover more questions.
I know I'll figure this out. I always do, but just once, today, I would love for someone to call me and say, "Hey, a little bird told me you were writing a book. You know, I know someone who knows someone.... let's see what we can do."
Yeah... talk about a dream!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Key to an All-night Spring Cleaning and Pilates
I have discovered the key to all-night cleaning sessions!
First, start cleaning. About 90 minutes later, go to bed and realize that you are not a spring chicken. Then, get up the next morning, invite another person's child to come over for a playdate. Eat breakfast with kids. Unload and load dishes. Open door for above mentioned playdate guest. Send them to the kids room and only get involved if some cries. Turn on Pandora on the over-priced, but well worth it Blu-ray player. Begin cleaning Decide to make a bean soup for dinner in the crockpot. Do a quick soak of the beans and get the rest of it going. Make lunch for the kids after they come in for the ninth time. Eat lunch with the kids. Don't forget the fresh picked strawberries. Then, sit down to blog about the afore mentioned spring cleaning.
Okay, maybe this is just another form of procrastination... I am a pro at it, but I thought it was interesting that I seem to be more organized and focused with three kids then with two. Why is that? Perhaps it's because I tend to play referee with the boys or perhaps three is just better than two when it comes to play. If someone gets mad, the other two keep playing together and the third eventually comes back to play as though nothing happened. (Don't tell me husband I said that or he will be looking to add triplets to our midst and I am just now finally taking control over my body.)
Which brings me to pilates. You know those commercials where amazingly toned women tell you how much fun pilates is.... turns out they are not lying. There was an open house at the gym last week and my friend and I decided to take a free class. It was easy. I'm not saying it didn't take skill. I'm not even saying I had that skill, but it was easy on me. In fact, I loved the class so much I bought a 15 class package. (For the record, I have never paid for the "extras" at the gym.) In fact, the next day, I was tight, not sore. (Sore is a big deterrent for me.) Confession time: my core hurt like crazy and since it's pollen season, the sneezing was the worst, but it was all worth it. I'm signed up for the Thursday night class until I get back from KS, and then I'm uping it to 2 a week. After a month of that, I'm adding Zumba lite. (I'm also adding Aqua Zumba as soon as I find my suit.) I'm starting to like the idea of classes. Of course, those do not eliminate the other workouts, but even those aren't so bad anymore. I'm not a gym rat. I'm going to say I will never be a gym rat. (I have a habit of doing things I say I will never do.)
What's brought all this on? Well, I didn't do the mini this year. Between breaking my leg and my grandfather's death, my heart wasn't in it. But as luck would have it, the 2011 mini will be held on May 7, the day BEFORE my birthday. So, I will have a second change to complete the mini during my 36th year of life. And cross that off the bucket list. Anyways, I'm spending the next 6 months focused on shedding the pounds that life, depression, and boredome have lumped on to me. Then, we'll ratchet it up a notch and get to work training for the mini. My goal is to do it in 2:59.59. My initial goal was to finish, but honestly, what kind of goal is that.... of course I'm going to finish.
I've been thinking about my attitude a lot lately. I'm not the bravest person. I have let fear influence decisions rather than courage. I don't like that. The same is true of negative thinking. I let myself talk me out of doing what I want. Writing the book... not only writing it, but preparing to pitch it to an agent in July, has really made me reconsider just how much of a pain my inner critic is... she's kinda mean... adn she's banned. Sure, she may find an open door every now and then, but that when I call my inner security!
First, start cleaning. About 90 minutes later, go to bed and realize that you are not a spring chicken. Then, get up the next morning, invite another person's child to come over for a playdate. Eat breakfast with kids. Unload and load dishes. Open door for above mentioned playdate guest. Send them to the kids room and only get involved if some cries. Turn on Pandora on the over-priced, but well worth it Blu-ray player. Begin cleaning Decide to make a bean soup for dinner in the crockpot. Do a quick soak of the beans and get the rest of it going. Make lunch for the kids after they come in for the ninth time. Eat lunch with the kids. Don't forget the fresh picked strawberries. Then, sit down to blog about the afore mentioned spring cleaning.
Okay, maybe this is just another form of procrastination... I am a pro at it, but I thought it was interesting that I seem to be more organized and focused with three kids then with two. Why is that? Perhaps it's because I tend to play referee with the boys or perhaps three is just better than two when it comes to play. If someone gets mad, the other two keep playing together and the third eventually comes back to play as though nothing happened. (Don't tell me husband I said that or he will be looking to add triplets to our midst and I am just now finally taking control over my body.)
Which brings me to pilates. You know those commercials where amazingly toned women tell you how much fun pilates is.... turns out they are not lying. There was an open house at the gym last week and my friend and I decided to take a free class. It was easy. I'm not saying it didn't take skill. I'm not even saying I had that skill, but it was easy on me. In fact, I loved the class so much I bought a 15 class package. (For the record, I have never paid for the "extras" at the gym.) In fact, the next day, I was tight, not sore. (Sore is a big deterrent for me.) Confession time: my core hurt like crazy and since it's pollen season, the sneezing was the worst, but it was all worth it. I'm signed up for the Thursday night class until I get back from KS, and then I'm uping it to 2 a week. After a month of that, I'm adding Zumba lite. (I'm also adding Aqua Zumba as soon as I find my suit.) I'm starting to like the idea of classes. Of course, those do not eliminate the other workouts, but even those aren't so bad anymore. I'm not a gym rat. I'm going to say I will never be a gym rat. (I have a habit of doing things I say I will never do.)
What's brought all this on? Well, I didn't do the mini this year. Between breaking my leg and my grandfather's death, my heart wasn't in it. But as luck would have it, the 2011 mini will be held on May 7, the day BEFORE my birthday. So, I will have a second change to complete the mini during my 36th year of life. And cross that off the bucket list. Anyways, I'm spending the next 6 months focused on shedding the pounds that life, depression, and boredome have lumped on to me. Then, we'll ratchet it up a notch and get to work training for the mini. My goal is to do it in 2:59.59. My initial goal was to finish, but honestly, what kind of goal is that.... of course I'm going to finish.
I've been thinking about my attitude a lot lately. I'm not the bravest person. I have let fear influence decisions rather than courage. I don't like that. The same is true of negative thinking. I let myself talk me out of doing what I want. Writing the book... not only writing it, but preparing to pitch it to an agent in July, has really made me reconsider just how much of a pain my inner critic is... she's kinda mean... adn she's banned. Sure, she may find an open door every now and then, but that when I call my inner security!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Springtime
Until today, I never really cared about spring. Of all the seasons, it's the least dramatic. If you think about it, it's kind of like the warm up act for summer. Everything in spring happens so gradually that you hardly notice until one day, the lightweight sweater you put on in the cool morning has turned into a portable suana. Or the flowers you planted weeks before seem to bloom overnight. Neither of those events "just happened". They were a long time coming. We just didn't see the work being done.
That's how I feel today. Like something that has been buried just below the surface has popped up and while I'm not sure what it means, I know that my growth is taking an outward appearance. For example, I have been putting off getting my hair highlighted. Now those of you who knew me in grad school know that in an of itself should have been cause to have me committed. But today, I took a chance, went to the Cosmotolgy School here in town and am quite happy with the results... yes, I may actually forego the expensive salon prices for a good product at a great price. It may seem silly, especially if your a guy, but what's one of the first things we women do when we're ready for a change? Show me MAKEOVER.
Another thing that has changed is the book. I am still editing, but now when people ask me about it, I share a bit without hesitation. Not that writing the book has redefined me, but let's be honest, writing 401 pages of fiction is something that more than a few people want to do, but the number of people who actually put pen to paper (or document to printer) is far less. Even if the book never gets published, I get to cross something off my bucket list. It's the realization that I accomplished something even I thought I would never do, and it turns out not to suck. Even better.
Spring also makes me feel like things are possible. Maybe last year I didn't take the kids to the park as often as I wanted. Maybe I found reasons not to have adventures, even little ones, with them. Maybe last year, I didn't get in shape. Maybe I wasn't the best friend I could have been. Maybe I was too short with my husband. The great thing is, I realize that today (and every day) is a clean slate. It's a chance to start over. While there is someone in my past who caused me great pain, he did have a couple of hallmark moments. One of his comments was about gettting a chance to start the day over every second of every day. All you have to do is realize that you're on the wrong path, make a choice to change it, and then do it. (I really, for his sake, wish he would have taken some of his sage advise.) But he was none-the-less right. Every moment we have is a chance to make our life more. More of what we want, more of who we are, more love, more kindness, more hope, more forgiveness, more laughter, more everything.
So enjoy the awesome weather, even if hail is beating down on your car... that's what insurance is for, trust me, I know... and take some time to live in the moment and enjoy life. Can't do that? Well it's your lucky day. You have the chance to make a change.
That's how I feel today. Like something that has been buried just below the surface has popped up and while I'm not sure what it means, I know that my growth is taking an outward appearance. For example, I have been putting off getting my hair highlighted. Now those of you who knew me in grad school know that in an of itself should have been cause to have me committed. But today, I took a chance, went to the Cosmotolgy School here in town and am quite happy with the results... yes, I may actually forego the expensive salon prices for a good product at a great price. It may seem silly, especially if your a guy, but what's one of the first things we women do when we're ready for a change? Show me MAKEOVER.
Another thing that has changed is the book. I am still editing, but now when people ask me about it, I share a bit without hesitation. Not that writing the book has redefined me, but let's be honest, writing 401 pages of fiction is something that more than a few people want to do, but the number of people who actually put pen to paper (or document to printer) is far less. Even if the book never gets published, I get to cross something off my bucket list. It's the realization that I accomplished something even I thought I would never do, and it turns out not to suck. Even better.
Spring also makes me feel like things are possible. Maybe last year I didn't take the kids to the park as often as I wanted. Maybe I found reasons not to have adventures, even little ones, with them. Maybe last year, I didn't get in shape. Maybe I wasn't the best friend I could have been. Maybe I was too short with my husband. The great thing is, I realize that today (and every day) is a clean slate. It's a chance to start over. While there is someone in my past who caused me great pain, he did have a couple of hallmark moments. One of his comments was about gettting a chance to start the day over every second of every day. All you have to do is realize that you're on the wrong path, make a choice to change it, and then do it. (I really, for his sake, wish he would have taken some of his sage advise.) But he was none-the-less right. Every moment we have is a chance to make our life more. More of what we want, more of who we are, more love, more kindness, more hope, more forgiveness, more laughter, more everything.
So enjoy the awesome weather, even if hail is beating down on your car... that's what insurance is for, trust me, I know... and take some time to live in the moment and enjoy life. Can't do that? Well it's your lucky day. You have the chance to make a change.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Hanging up some hats
I hate to admit it, but I can't do everything all the time.
The last few weeks have been a blur. During the month of March, my grandfather was diagonsed with cancer and I went back to Kansas to spend time with the man who has been the most stable male influence in my life. I had planned to be there as long as I was needed, but less than a week after I arrived, my grandfather took his leave from our Earthly kingdom and departed for his heavenly home. To say that I was sad is an understatement, but having the chance to care for him and also be there in his last moments left me changed (once again). I realized that, as much as I try not to, I sometimes forget what's important. See, my grandfather lived his life by his rules and he was a greatly loved and respected man for it. He didn't, even in death, conform to what others thought he should do. He wasn't perfect, but he was good, and I can only hope to be half the person that he was.
In retrospect, I realized that I am taking on a little too much at one time to truly find out who I am. So, I am hanging up (temporarily) several hats. First, the activist in me will have to be absorbed into the other things I am doing. I hope to someday be a part of some movement, or at least something bigger than me, in an active way, but for now, home and hearth and a still unfinished novel, will have to do. I can go green by preparing healthy foods made with natural ingredients and making my own cleaning supplies, but the rest will have to wait. Second, the foodie in me is on hold. I will still be cooking, but it will be simple things that my family will eat, with the occassionaly experiment thrown in for good measure. Third, adventure, much like activist, will be taken over by accomplishing goals while wearing the other hats. The biggest adventure I have is my family. The second biggest adventure is my previously mentioned and still unfinished book. Finally, while I will still do the occassional spread or make a greeting card from time to time, my crafty hat will also find an empty hook on which to rest. Eventually, I will take these hats up and wear them proudly as I walk down the street, but I know, when I die, I won't think to myself, "I wish I would have learned to cook French food." But I think I will wish that my book had been translated into French.
So that's it. I have cut my twelve hats down to eight. I have focused on what is most important and I am a better person because of it. My new goal is to end the day eager to wake up in the morning and experience everything that life and God have to offer. To live in the moment and not do anything I for which I might have to apologize. When I look back on my life, I hope that this will be the time where I stop living with regret and starting living a life of uncommon grace and love. I hope to have left a small impact on those around me and love without condition. Sure, I will probably be grumpy every now and then, but I will do what needs to be done, just like my grandpa!
The last few weeks have been a blur. During the month of March, my grandfather was diagonsed with cancer and I went back to Kansas to spend time with the man who has been the most stable male influence in my life. I had planned to be there as long as I was needed, but less than a week after I arrived, my grandfather took his leave from our Earthly kingdom and departed for his heavenly home. To say that I was sad is an understatement, but having the chance to care for him and also be there in his last moments left me changed (once again). I realized that, as much as I try not to, I sometimes forget what's important. See, my grandfather lived his life by his rules and he was a greatly loved and respected man for it. He didn't, even in death, conform to what others thought he should do. He wasn't perfect, but he was good, and I can only hope to be half the person that he was.
In retrospect, I realized that I am taking on a little too much at one time to truly find out who I am. So, I am hanging up (temporarily) several hats. First, the activist in me will have to be absorbed into the other things I am doing. I hope to someday be a part of some movement, or at least something bigger than me, in an active way, but for now, home and hearth and a still unfinished novel, will have to do. I can go green by preparing healthy foods made with natural ingredients and making my own cleaning supplies, but the rest will have to wait. Second, the foodie in me is on hold. I will still be cooking, but it will be simple things that my family will eat, with the occassionaly experiment thrown in for good measure. Third, adventure, much like activist, will be taken over by accomplishing goals while wearing the other hats. The biggest adventure I have is my family. The second biggest adventure is my previously mentioned and still unfinished book. Finally, while I will still do the occassional spread or make a greeting card from time to time, my crafty hat will also find an empty hook on which to rest. Eventually, I will take these hats up and wear them proudly as I walk down the street, but I know, when I die, I won't think to myself, "I wish I would have learned to cook French food." But I think I will wish that my book had been translated into French.
So that's it. I have cut my twelve hats down to eight. I have focused on what is most important and I am a better person because of it. My new goal is to end the day eager to wake up in the morning and experience everything that life and God have to offer. To live in the moment and not do anything I for which I might have to apologize. When I look back on my life, I hope that this will be the time where I stop living with regret and starting living a life of uncommon grace and love. I hope to have left a small impact on those around me and love without condition. Sure, I will probably be grumpy every now and then, but I will do what needs to be done, just like my grandpa!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Why I blog
I have recently been accused of being too hard on myself and using this blog to beat myself up... not her words, mine, and it got me to thinking about why I am blogging. It's certainly not because of the masses clammering to read my words... at last count, this blog has had 20 hits... pretty sad by blogging standards, but since that's not my motivation, it's fine.
The reason I blog is because I am working hard to figure out who I am and what it is that is most important to me. I can see, in my mind, the person I am meant to be, but I am far from that woman. It's not a criticism, it's a fact. It's like when I say I'm fat and someone counters with a well-meaning, "No you aren't." We both know they're being nice, but it's not helping me get real. This blog is part me getting the emotions I have bottled up inside of me out in black and white so I can see them, and also a chance for me to work through the issues I have as they come up. Sometimes the issues are simple while others are more complex, but either way, they are life altering. This is how I deal. Introspection is my process. But it hasn't worked like it could because there was never any way that I held myself accountable.
That is the other reason for this blog. If I post something and someone reads it, I feel more inclined to continue working or the challenges that I have set out. Also, I'm not a hard and fast person, so this blog is a chance for me to continuously keep recharting my course, as well as see where I have come from.
During the last year, I have gone through some major changes. Some are more inside, and not really visible to the untrained eye, and some are more obvious. But I don't want it to stop. I want to keep pushing myself to open up and finally know what it means to trust and be free.
Free of what? Free of the confines of what others believe. Free to be 35 going on 36 and not allow others to make me feel like a child. Free to accept that what makes me feel fulfilled may not do the same for others. Free to embrace the things that make me a dork and love them. Free to try things and fail. Free to try things and succeed. Free to be honest about what I think. Free to let others know me. Free to stop caring about the Jones and focus on the Schmitts. Free to surround me with people who lift me up, not drag me down. Free to change.
I think we often play roles in relationships and occassionaly, we realize that we are still stuck in a role we have outgrown. Often, changing that role creates even more problems, so it's easier to just continue the relationship as it has always been. But we are in denial when we do that. We are stiffeling our own growth, but often blaming the other person in the relationship. That denial can ultimately end in a dissolution of the relationship. I'm not just talking about marriages or the work place. Over time, personal relationships can suffer. I hate to admit it, but I feel like I have done that, and while I am guilty of changing the rules, I refuse to be sorry for it. I refuse to feel bad that I am no longer willing to play the side-kick who's lucky to be invited to the party. It's just not me.
Perhaps you understand what I'm talking about or perhaps you're thinking Sarah has lost her mind. But I know who I am becoming, and I actually like her... even if her house isn't spotless or her children do find it fun to pretend they are shooting each other with Star Wars blasters... in the end, I go to bed with a smile on my face and look forward to the morning to come!
The reason I blog is because I am working hard to figure out who I am and what it is that is most important to me. I can see, in my mind, the person I am meant to be, but I am far from that woman. It's not a criticism, it's a fact. It's like when I say I'm fat and someone counters with a well-meaning, "No you aren't." We both know they're being nice, but it's not helping me get real. This blog is part me getting the emotions I have bottled up inside of me out in black and white so I can see them, and also a chance for me to work through the issues I have as they come up. Sometimes the issues are simple while others are more complex, but either way, they are life altering. This is how I deal. Introspection is my process. But it hasn't worked like it could because there was never any way that I held myself accountable.
That is the other reason for this blog. If I post something and someone reads it, I feel more inclined to continue working or the challenges that I have set out. Also, I'm not a hard and fast person, so this blog is a chance for me to continuously keep recharting my course, as well as see where I have come from.
During the last year, I have gone through some major changes. Some are more inside, and not really visible to the untrained eye, and some are more obvious. But I don't want it to stop. I want to keep pushing myself to open up and finally know what it means to trust and be free.
Free of what? Free of the confines of what others believe. Free to be 35 going on 36 and not allow others to make me feel like a child. Free to accept that what makes me feel fulfilled may not do the same for others. Free to embrace the things that make me a dork and love them. Free to try things and fail. Free to try things and succeed. Free to be honest about what I think. Free to let others know me. Free to stop caring about the Jones and focus on the Schmitts. Free to surround me with people who lift me up, not drag me down. Free to change.
I think we often play roles in relationships and occassionaly, we realize that we are still stuck in a role we have outgrown. Often, changing that role creates even more problems, so it's easier to just continue the relationship as it has always been. But we are in denial when we do that. We are stiffeling our own growth, but often blaming the other person in the relationship. That denial can ultimately end in a dissolution of the relationship. I'm not just talking about marriages or the work place. Over time, personal relationships can suffer. I hate to admit it, but I feel like I have done that, and while I am guilty of changing the rules, I refuse to be sorry for it. I refuse to feel bad that I am no longer willing to play the side-kick who's lucky to be invited to the party. It's just not me.
Perhaps you understand what I'm talking about or perhaps you're thinking Sarah has lost her mind. But I know who I am becoming, and I actually like her... even if her house isn't spotless or her children do find it fun to pretend they are shooting each other with Star Wars blasters... in the end, I go to bed with a smile on my face and look forward to the morning to come!
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