Why I blog

I have recently been accused of being too hard on myself and using this blog to beat myself up... not her words, mine, and it got me to thinking about why I am blogging. It's certainly not because of the masses clammering to read my words... at last count, this blog has had 20 hits... pretty sad by blogging standards, but since that's not my motivation, it's fine.

The reason I blog is because I am working hard to figure out who I am and what it is that is most important to me. I can see, in my mind, the person I am meant to be, but I am far from that woman. It's not a criticism, it's a fact. It's like when I say I'm fat and someone counters with a well-meaning, "No you aren't." We both know they're being nice, but it's not helping me get real. This blog is part me getting the emotions I have bottled up inside of me out in black and white so I can see them, and also a chance for me to work through the issues I have as they come up. Sometimes the issues are simple while others are more complex, but either way, they are life altering. This is how I deal. Introspection is my process. But it hasn't worked like it could because there was never any way that I held myself accountable.

That is the other reason for this blog. If I post something and someone reads it, I feel more inclined to continue working or the challenges that I have set out. Also, I'm not a hard and fast person, so this blog is a chance for me to continuously keep recharting my course, as well as see where I have come from.

During the last year, I have gone through some major changes. Some are more inside, and not really visible to the untrained eye, and some are more obvious. But I don't want it to stop. I want to keep pushing myself to open up and finally know what it means to trust and be free.

Free of what? Free of the confines of what others believe. Free to be 35 going on 36 and not allow others to make me feel like a child. Free to accept that what makes me feel fulfilled may not do the same for others. Free to embrace the things that make me a dork and love them. Free to try things and fail. Free to try things and succeed. Free to be honest about what I think. Free to let others know me. Free to stop caring about the Jones and focus on the Schmitts. Free to surround me with people who lift me up, not drag me down. Free to change.

I think we often play roles in relationships and occassionaly, we realize that we are still stuck in a role we have outgrown. Often, changing that role creates even more problems, so it's easier to just continue the relationship as it has always been. But we are in denial when we do that. We are stiffeling our own growth, but often blaming the other person in the relationship. That denial can ultimately end in a dissolution of the relationship. I'm not just talking about marriages or the work place. Over time, personal relationships can suffer. I hate to admit it, but I feel like I have done that, and while I am guilty of changing the rules, I refuse to be sorry for it. I refuse to feel bad that I am no longer willing to play the side-kick who's lucky to be invited to the party. It's just not me.

Perhaps you understand what I'm talking about or perhaps you're thinking Sarah has lost her mind. But I know who I am becoming, and I actually like her... even if her house isn't spotless or her children do find it fun to pretend they are shooting each other with Star Wars blasters... in the end, I go to bed with a smile on my face and look forward to the morning to come!

The Book

It looks like I actually might make this new deadline. If I can edit two chapters a night, I will finish up in 12 days... 13, because I have a GNO tomorrow... I know this is short, but it's nice to feel like I might actually make it!